The NBA... Where Changing the Channel Happens

I don't know when it happened for me -- I think it was about the time Jordan retired -- but the NBA just doesn't do a thing for me as a fan anymore. I will certainly watch my team (the Celtics) play games, and I loved the run they went on the the playoffs last year, as it was a return to glory... but, and I can't stress this enough, I cannot remember the last time I watched a full, non-Celtics NBA game from tip to final buzzer. I can honestly say it has been years. And yes, that's plural.

Here are some of the reasons why:

It isn't fair. Good players get calls. Bad players (and rookies) don't. At what point did your age and/or experience level exclude you from the rules of basketball? Since LeBron James is a great player, he doesn't get called for an obvious travel. Kobe gets looked at the wrong way, and next thing you know he's on the foul line. Dwyane Wade throws himself into traffic and you know some backup power forward is picking up another foul. I hate it when an announcer says, "it'll be a few years before he starts getting those calls." Why?? The rules will change then? I hate it.

Tattoos. Too many of them. I know you can't control it as a league. I understand people can do what they want with their own bodies. But all I can think of is going to games with my dad when I was a nine-year old kid, asking him all kinds of questions about the game. If the players back then were as heavily inked as they are now, I would have said, "Dad, why does that player have all that stuff on his skin?" And God bless him, my dad would have said, "Well son, its because he's a fucking idiot." And that would have been that. A couple of tattoos is great. We get it, you're rebellious, or you are trying to honor one of your friends that got shot or something. But it is unnatural. Chris Anderson can't even put "white" as his race anymore. He has to go with "multi-colored." And what is the purpose of a neck tattoo?!? And Stephon Marbury has a star on the side of his head. That means these two incredible absurdities have happened in his life:

1) Stephon Marbury actually thought to himself, "I'm going to get a star tattooed on my head."

2) And at some point, a family member had to pose this uncomfortable question, "Uhhhh... did you get a tattoo of a star on your HEAD?!?!"

Timeouts. In that there are WAY TOO MANY OF THEM. In close games, teams save their timeouts so they can advance the ball to halfcourt after the other team scores. This leads to the final minute of close games taking roughly as long as The Godfather. Except for in the Godfather, you aren't able to go take a dump because you know a 4-minute commercial break is going to happen. I was meeting friends out at a bar last weekend, but was late because the Celtics vs Bulls was close. I was probably going to get there on time, but the game got tight. There were about 4 timeouts called in the last 12 seconds of regulation, and I ended up being 30 minutes late. This should not be happening.

The officials. I know this goes with my first topic, but I'm reiterating my point. They suck. They are so terrible at everything they are supposed to be good at. STOP SUCKING. Seriously. Call the game by the rules, and the product will be much better. The lack of following the rules of basketball by the officials makes the NBA totally unwatchable.

The players who cry about calls. And by this, I mean every single player in the NBA. Why would you complain when it is so obvious that the officials suck so bad? Just accept it. In Game 1 of Bulls vs Celtics, Glen Davis was called for his 6th foul, and he was WATCHING a play happen. But he is so used to being beaten down by shitty officiating, he didn't even put up a fight. Big Baby knows -- the officials suck. And if LeBron, Kobe, or Wade ever complain about a call, they should be suspended for 5 games. End of story.

Blowouts. Listen, they're gonna happen. But I just saw a final score saying that the Nuggets beat the Hornets 121-63 -- ON THE ROAD. There is absolutely no chance that this should happen -ever. Needless to say I wasn't watching that putrid performance, but I promise you what happened was the Nuggets took an early 20-point lead and the Hornets just gave up. After scoring 15 points in the 1st quarter, the Hornets rallied for 24 in the 2nd quarter. They must have really liked that number, because they manged to score exactly 24 points in the ENTIRE SECOND HALF. You guys gave up. But don't worry, ticket prices on StubHub were only up to $310 apiece for the nosebleeds. You gave your fans their money's worth, losers. The Hornets organization should give out refunds for that game. I'd love to call customer service and hear their excuse as to why they can't return my money for that mess.

Anyway, I'm logging off to watch the real playoffs. Stanley Cup version. Here, the players try hard all the time. They also grow playoff beards, a lot easier to remove than a dumb tattoo. And it is also entirely possible that the refs call the game the same for Alex Ovechkin as they do for some guy I've never heard of.